I Squeed myself ....

Have you ever seen the term 'SQUEE' in an Internet post?  It is usually written in all caps with multiple exclamation marks following, for example: 'Santa is coming tonight!  SQUEEEEE!!!!!'  I suppose it approximates a squeal-like sound.  The example below is a bit unfortunate though.

Kind of spoils Easter, doesn't it?  I certainly don't want to eat, or even touch, any eggs the poster may have squeed on!  Moral: use all caps and plenty of exclamation marks after the term to avoid confusion and general horror.

Lost in translation

This was a comment on an article about a toddler climbing a rock wall.  It started out okay, but disintegrated into meaningless strings of words a third of the way through.

I'm really not sure if the poster is pro toddler-climbing or against, or whether the choice of footwear is crucial in that decision, or if she just got distracted by little itty city (sic) shiny things.  So even though this post is titled 'Lost in translation,' I actually couldn't translate it!  Do you think it is even English?  Perhaps a new Pidgin form of Net-ese?  Maybe I'm thinking it through a little too much and it's simply just BARELY LITERATE.

Have a tea break first ... this is a long one

Unhappily, I encountered this wordy post.  See how many problems you can count with Part One, below:

... and Part Two:

Most of the post is, incredibly, one sentence.  It not only recounts whole conversations, but then goes onto a bit of preaching, with a bit of clumsy spelling and disregard for punctuation on the way.  It must have taken a very long time to type.  But hey!  She did spell 'apologise' correctly.  (Here's another challenge for you: see if you can find 'apologise' in less than five seconds.)

*Wat?

Everyone knows that when you are posting in an online forum, if you make a mistake you quickly follow up with another message with the correction preceded by a *.  For example, if I misspelled 'horse' as 'hearse', I'd quickly follow up with '*horse', to save myself unnecessary embarrassment.  Usually posters add a few exclamation marks and a LOL and perhaps a few LMFAOs to make it absolutely clear it was a boo-boo.  The poster below had the best intentions, I'm sure.  But if I were to give him/her a tip, it would be to check that your *correction is, in fact, correct.

Otherwise you'll look very silly!

I gotta say it all before I forget what I was saying

You know the feeling.  You have a lot to say - or type out - and you don't want any RUULY RUULY important point you were going to make slip your mind.  You go the short route: either don't take a breath, or like the poster below, don't bother with that bothersome punctuation stuff.  That'd be rediculous!

Sometimes, rather than punctuation, a few well-timed 'lols' will do, I guess.  Lol! 

Or lots and lots of exclamation marks!!!!!!!!? !?!!

Perhaps you can make up your own, innovative punctuation system for the 21st century.

<Sneer> While I like the creativity and the artistry of this poster <snort>, I think I'll stick with the more usual, recognisable and readable method of punctuation.</sneer><Hee, hee, hee><!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!>

eh, i don't need them capital thingies!

I love full stops.  I love how they illustrate where - if a sentence is spoken - a natural pause lies at the end of a thought or idea.  I also appreciate full stops in long paragraphs, as they break all those thoughts into manageable chunks.  The poster above, however, doesn't seem to recognise the distinction between a comma and a full stop.  I also like capital letters, which both the above poster and the below have only a passing acquaintance with.

Sentence.  Full stop.  Capital letter=new sentence.  Full stop.  Is there a complexity here I'm not aware of?  I don't believe it to be all the result of the use of mobile phones, because some brackets have snuck into this one.  And if you can put in a comma, you can put in an apostrophe (a 'teachers' assistant?  Really?).

The scary bit is that examples like this are the rule - not the exception.

Plz don't use all caps, n other stuff

I do wish people could use who words when posting to the Internet.  I know it's hard on a mobile phone.  I know it's slower.  But I do so hate when I have to decipher each word - because it is so much slower!  I tend to skip right to the next message because it is simply TOO MUCH WORK.

See what I mean?  I lost track halfway through.  I still don't know what it means.

My next snippet involves the most basic Internet communication faux-pas that can be made.  Do this, and readers will actually cringe in front of their screens.  I find it difficult to believe people still commit this error so frequently - why hasn't anyone told them?  Are they scared?

STOP THE YELLING AAARRGGGHHH I'M NOT SURE WHAT THIS MEANS EITHER!  AND WHERE ARE YOUR FULL STOPS?